The Search for Foreign Friends
“Oh, I’m not worried about you,” my friend, Angela, told me as she helped carry the last few boxes to my car. “You can make friends anywhere.”
“I guess,” I shrugged, not as confident in my friend-making abilities as she was.
“The Italians will love you,” she promised.
And that promise carried me to Calabria.
I arrived with the expectations that I would, indeed, meet people and expand my network of Calabria-based contacts beyond my soon-to-be-husband and his circle of friends. However, the battle was uphill.
The funny thing about Calabria is that most people leave her rugged beauty and savage shorelines … not the other way around. For that reason, Calabrians don’t really know how-or want to-accept new people. Don’t get me wrong, my big move was welcomed by husband’s extended family and I’ve never felt uncomfortable in their homes. But I’m talking about going past the pleasantries, past the generous lunches and homemade jugs of wine … to true friendship.
The truth of the matter is that, in general, southern Italian women don’t have friends, at least not in the same sense as American women do. Back home, my friends and I have lunch together, go shopping, meet for happy hour. Calabrian women go shopping with their mothers or sisters, and only recently have I seen a group of women dining together without their husbands.
Are times changing?
Well, they are for me.
As my optimistic friend predicted, I did make friends in Italy. While the expat community isn’t exactly booming in Calabria, those of us here have connected and bonded over our communal experiences.
I’ve found cherished friends through the blogosphere who I rely on for daily doses of inspiration.
And I have my husband’s circle-those friends I mentally resisted in the beginning, while I was in search of my own identity, my own group, my own friends. I realized when they’d call me before a trip, check in on me when I was away, quote my latest blog entry or place an international phone call-when they knew no one on the other end would speak their language-that I had arrived.
That I had, indeed, made friends in Italy.
Was it easy for you to meet people and make friends in your new country? How do you think your relationships in your new country are different from those in your home country?
Cherrye Moore is an American freelance writer in southern Italy. In addition to AffordableCallingCards.net, she writes about living and traveling in Calabria on her site, My Bella Vita. Comments and messages are welcome on both sites.
Photo: Le Champion du Monde via Flickr.
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Tags: Calabria, expat life, Italy, Making Friends
Hi Cherrye…I live in the UK as you know, and boy is it hard to make friends here, and I have lived here most of my life, and in oxfordshire for 3 and half years, ..I cannot imagine what it would be like trying to make friends out there.
I have one good friend I can go shopping with, I have no sister either. My other friends, are too busy with their families, husbands etc, so when my husband is away with work, life can be pretty lonely…
And at the moment the recession has hit the company I work for, so no work for a while, so all in all not good.
Hey Anne,
Having gone through similar periods, I can sympathize. It’s frustrating not having much [paid work] to do, and all the more so when it’s lonely. Personally, I’ve found going out to community activities (sports, dancing, theatre) and locations (eg parks, libraries, gyms etc.) helps me meet new people. I also find it makes me feel good about myself to visit some folks I know in the local hospital, not to mention they appreciate it too!
Hi Anne! Nice to see you over here. I agree with you that it is hard when we “grow up” and get other responsibilities. I do actually have a good friend here in Catanzaro who is Italian but she has four children and although we do like each other, we never have time to hang out.
I think good friendships, like a marriage, take work. I wish you were in Calabria. The work situation might not be better, but at least we could talk about it over wine or coffee!
I also like your suggestions, Admin. I met a lot of people at the gym and I’ve heard that in Italy, going to the same cafe every morning for coffee, can help!
I have lived in Buenos Aires almost 5 years. Many people who come here to live say the same things as you do about the Argentines. Of course there are many people here of Italian heritage. I can honestly say that I have lots of friends here, and most of them are Argentines.
You have to put yourself out there. Speaking the language is a big help. If you do not speak well, look for exchange groups. You are bound to meet people who are more open to having foreign friends. Try the same places you would try in your home country – cooking classes, book clubs, etc. I have met people all over the place.
As for what my friendships are like? I have less men friends. Men are not friends with women here, usually. I love my friends here. It took me a bit to adapt. It is a different culture and you have to remind yourself that constantly. Suerte..
Hi Deby,
Thanks for your perspective! It is interesting to see how Argentina and Italy are similiar. You are right, there are a lot of Italians there. Some of the Italians I know here were born there.
I am glad it’s worked out for you … as we say in Italy, “piano, piano.” (slowly!)
Hi Cherrye,
I could really sympathise with your position as I moved to Bordeaux with my French husband at the beginning of the year and am also finding it very hard to make friends, or simply meet people my age! I’m 25 and feel everyone here is either retired or a teenager. Families here are quite small and I am used to big families.
)
Although I have lived in several countries prior to France, somehow I find it most difficult to adapt here. Perhaps it is because my husband is French and therefore I feel reliant on the idea that he should be able to introduce me to other people! My French is good enough, so I don’t think it’s to do with language barriers. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been either studying or working and right now, I’m just looking for work! So I feel I need to find work as soon as possible, make money so as to feel independent as I used to be and make friends hehe- let’s see how it goes!
Good luck in your stay in Italy
Hi Suz, thanks for the comment. I think you are right about the feeling dependent on your husband part! I know it was very different from me when I lived in Paris than now. I think a big part of that is that before when (you and I both, apparently) lived abroad, we were in situations where we could easily meet other people in our situations.
It is different now.
Good luck to you in Bordeaux! Ironically, I know a couple of people who are from there. Email me from my other site and I’ll try to get you in touch with them.
Hey,
I’ve been in the UK for more than 2 years and I couldn’t make any friends at all. I don’t know whether it’s my problem or what exactly. I’m not used to the culture tho. I find it really difficult to talk to people here in England. I don’t know how to start a conversation with people over here. Maybe, the main problem I’m facing is that all people drink and there fun based on drinking while I don’t drink as well as I know nothing about music since English is not my mother language. And yeah, I’m a very shy person. And sometimes I think my English is not that good, so how can I have friends if I cant communicate with them!! or at least I think that they think that. And to be honest, I can’t even make friends at uni. I’m doing my first year and I suppose that all the students didn’t know each other before coming to uni. Its really sucks to live in a foreign country without having friends or someone to speak to.
Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
Dear FFF,
I don’t know how good of an idea you’d think it is, but volunteering would be a really good way to meet some new people. Maybe you can find out from your University if they need volunteers for anything. You can also find out from the local church – depending on your religion – if you can be of any service. I’m sure you can make a few friends that way. Hope that helps.
Take care.
Remember, be yourself. Don’t worry about what others are thinking about you. If you think your English needs some improvement, then practice talking in English more. You can also talk to yourself in the mirror as an exercise. Don’t worry about making mistakes. Nobody’s perfect and if you do make a mistake just laugh at it and move on. It’s okay to be a little different but at the same time try to understand and pick up some of the activities of the host culture. After all it’s a relationship. You never know. You might end up enjoying something you thought you never would. The whole fun of being in a new place is the chance to experiment. That does not mean get drunk and pass out. But I’m sure there are plenty of ways to get yourself assimilated in a new country just like you would in a new place in your country.
Hi FFF and Ann.
Great advice Ann. I agree that volunteering is a great way to meet people. Also, joining the gym helped me, as did going the same places often (go to the same place every day for coffee, shop at the same grocery stores, etc.) Soon people will start recognizing you and you will feel like part of the community. I also meet people where I get my hair done.
If you are looking for a conversation starter, you could always go with “I’m relatively new to the area and am looking for a good place to … (fill in the blank!)
I hope this helps!! Good luck to you.
Hello fellow Expats,
I am an American living in Krakow, Poland and I to never thought it would be difficult to make friends…but wow it really is difficult in Poland. The weather has put a little damper on my evening travels and I find my self having to stay in just to stay warm. It seems that -20 is the norn.
Also I am from the south/ USA and find the people in Krakow are maybe a bit put off by my southern (charm) exterior.
It looks like I may have many more lonely nights ahead of me as my quest for good girl friend continues. Gald to see I am not the only one in the same boat. Thanks
Hey Debby! I’m sorry to hear about your troubles in Poland and I TOTALLY understand about the weather thing. When I lived in Paris (which is warmer even than Poland) I only left home when I had to work! I froze!
Where you from in the south? I’m from Texas and I, too, find myself wanting to speak to people as they pass me, something they don’t do here in southern Italy, either.
Hang in there. One other question for you… do you have a blog? Being active in social media and meeting others who are in the same boat (and hopefully the same country) will go a long way to helping you adjust!